CRAZY WEEK AHEAD

Well, sorry about my release during that last post. I needed to let out how I was feeling about some situations in as "vague" as a way as possible, so if you didn't know the situation directly then don't worry about it...but its just what I've been feeling like lately and I needed to let it out.

Anyway, I'm really worried about this week. On top of already taking 18 credit hours worth of classes I'm also working 31 hours at the store. Basically what that means is that if there is any period of time that I'm not in class for more than an hour...I'll be working. It makes me sad cuz I won't see PC much. I'm sad when I don't get to hang out with him but we both knew going into this quarter that it would be rough. As it is...I haven't even had a chance to meet with two of the girls I discipled last quarter at school...I feel bad about that because they are both great girls but I hope they understand how crazy this quarter is. Hopefully I'll be able to catch back up with a few weeks this quarter and finish out the year next quarter since my schedule SHOULD be much lighter.

Well, I'm heading to bed soon. My busy week starts tomorrow (well it started this evening with a mtg for work) but tomorrow is a holiday so its going to be crazy.

Have a good night everyone

Life is hard sometimes

So I'm finally here at a computer earlier in the evening so I thought I could use this opportunity to update my journal...just in case anyone still cares.

So in response to my title...I've really been burdened lately with a lot of things. I was sooo excited entering into this relationship but lately I've felt that "rumors" have made it super hard to keep that excitement. I've been placed in a position where I don't even want to bother to stand up for myself because I already know that the "image" people have of me has changed because of what they have heard from someone else.

It's hard to want to be around certain individuals who obviously are doing and saying some pretty hurtful things about you when you aren't around. Building up images in other peoples minds who haven't even been given a chance to figure things out for themself. And if that makes me a bad person in someones eyes....I've come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do to change that opinion. I feel like, even those who have known me for a long time now find themselves questioning my integrity based on something that someone else has said...and that just isn't fair in my opinion. But if any of you are wondering why I haven't been around as much...its because I don't want to stand up to the feeling that those who once looked on me with a smile are now, more than likely, talking about everything I'm doing wrong and comparing me to other people. I find it frustrating, however, that people used to get upset with me when I compared myself to other people but now its ok for them to compare me to other people. I even feel as though people who I once viewed as mentors have such a negative feeling about me because others are freely talking about me behind my back. Therefore I feel like they've already been put against me anyway.

My constant worry about all of this has also started to effect my relationship with PC. Something I hate to say, but its unneccessary when friends make it harder to be in a relationship rather than easier through their support. And even harder when they change their mind about it. Whats worse...is the reason that we aren't around the house any more is because neither one of us feels welcome here. It's a bad thing when you don't feel welcome at your own home...but at least if I'm gone it leaves plenty of room for people to discuss what they want about me. And I know for a fact that that is going on...a lot.

All in all I've come to realize that it really bothers me when people are two faced and give one impression of their personality to some people and a completely different impression of their personality to others. So that is why I'm coming forth and saying that I AM upset about this situation and I don't want to face certain people now because of what certain individuals have felt at liberty to say. I guess its part of growing pains. I feel right with God, right with my parents and right with some of my closer friends who have come to me to talk to ME (because they care about me...not improving their own reputation by talking down about me)...but unfortunately I also feel as though that doesn't matter to others. I'm finding though...that a true friend isn't judgemental and doesn't talk about you behind your back no matter what their concern is...because when that happens...it isn't done out of concern...its done out of pride and jeolousy and overwhelming desire to make themselves look better.

At least out of all of this I've also felt the need to apologize to some other important people in my life for not supporting them and in fact making them feel like I feel. I guess its just one of those things you aren't going to understand what you are doing until it happens to you directly.

So if you don't see many other posts on this journal for a while its just because I know I'm not looked upon highly and I'd rather just step away than try and stand up for myself against the damage that has already been done.

I apologize if this post is depressing or even offensive for some to read but its the best way, I felt, for me to express how I've been feeling lately.

Back to school....Back to school

Well, a quick update to whats going on. School is back in session and I'm already dreading my choice to do 18 credit hours on top of working and a boyfriend among other regular weekly social "engagements". Anyway, I'm excited to get it over with though. For the most part I don't think prof's are going to be that bad this quarter...no wait...yeah I'm not too excited about it. Especially for my communication courses. I've been blessed to have had a couple of really energetic professors who you can tell love what they do...however this quarter...they don't seem to excited to be there and therefore think we shouldn't enjoy being there either. Oh well...graduation is in sight.

Well..I told you it would be a quick update. I'm pretty tired so I'm gonna settle down for a nap.

I hope everyone else is doing well.

Have a good afternoon

Happy New Year

Well, Happy New Year ladies. I hope everyone rang in the new year in their own special way. I was excited about how I spent new years eve...for the most part. PC and I went over to my parents house (Pepto joined us after practice) and played board games and ate sloppy joes. It was so much fun just seeing my parents and PC so relaxed around one another. Now don't worry, we don't do everything with my parents...I just realized that the last two posts have been about us hanging out with my parents. No we still get plenty of time with just the two of us and hanging out with other people too.

So anyway, my mom mentioned about how much fun she had and that we would have to do that more often. I've decided I've become a huge fan of board games lately. I guess I didn't get a chance to play them much or see them as much fun as a kid since I was an only child...but now that I'm older, its more fun for my parents to play "adult" board games with me and I have other people at the house to play with too. You'll notice I put "" around adult because there are some games that leave you questioning but they are a lot of fun. One of the ones I got for Christmas that we played last night was "Apples to Apples" its actually intended for people or children to learn new verbs and be able to match nouns that they appropriately describe. When you play with me and most of my friends...you end up laying down more silly cards(oftentimes the decriptions on the red card end up making it more funny). Anyway, the judge each round then picks the card they think is best described by the green (verb) card and whoever layed that red card down gets to keep the green card...the first person to get however many green cards wins. I finally broke my loosing streak and won last night. You might get a kick out of my best one:

Green Card: Devastating (and then it listed like 3 synonyms)

I layed down a red card that said : The Great Depression...too bad prozac wasn't invented 6 decades earlier : )


Another funny quote that came from my mom...
Green Card: Responsible

Pepto layed down a red card that said: Atomic *o*b (don't know...don't ask)

My mom didn't pick that one but at the end of the round Pepto said...i thought it was dumb enough that you would for sure pick that one...

To which my mom replies in a heart beat..."Atomic B*m*s aren't resposible they're stupid"

So do you see the humor...its kinda fun. (Maybe you had to be there)

[I didn't want to put the whole word down for the simple reason that I don't want to be labled a threat if someone comes across this journal because they did a search for the "B" word...so put the two words with starts together and you'll figure it out...I know its dumb but I'm trying to protect myself]

Anyway, we didn't stay at my parents to ring in the new year. I was going to come back to the house but because of other stuff ended up going over to PC's place until the new year so we could spend our first new year together. Unfortunately we couldnt' stay at my parents because PC had to get to bed right after the new year because he's working today...another 4 am alarm. It was exciting getting a new year kiss (oh yeah...did you know...we're kissing now....yeah sorry that was lame). When I headed back here Pepto was in bed and BlueJacket (the other roommate who's back from break) still wasnt' home...so I guess I was glad I went over there for a bit.

I'm sure you've already noticed that PC and I have been spending a lot of time together now because starting tuesday I'm not going to get much of a chance to see him this quarter. I'm taking 18 credit hours on top of work (which I now am moving up into sales floor leadership ... at least I have a key now), and I meet weekly with two awesome girls at school to do bible study, and I meet with HBM to do bible study and just talk about life. So yeah, graduation is within sight but this quarter is going to be super busy...but I'm going to do my best to not let it get to me.

I guess thats it for now...I need to finish getting ready for church.

Have a great day.